....Smile because it happened

I want to go 
I want to stay 


always conflicting 

This whole week has been, {and will continue to be} a combination of studying and partying. 

Everyday is a final exam
Everynight is a goodbye party

People are starting to leave and its now becoming real
that i have to leave this place
this place where so many memories exist, i have to leave
and most likely never return, to this spot, with these people. 

I have to pack

{sigh}

I have to say good-bye...I have to get on a plane..I have to come home

I hate good-byes, i was never good at them.
Every summer, when we visit our family in California, 
I'm always the first one to start crying
always
no matter what. 
I don't know why


I suppose I don't like the feeling of knowing
for that one small chance
that i may never see them again. 
This is my reality right now..I might never see these faces again! 
Never to smile, laugh, correcting english...with these people. 

Last night, at our little group good-bye dinner
Adriano offered some very wise advice
as i was beginning to become quite sad at the thought of missing everyone
he said to me...


"Don't cry because its over
Smile because it happened" 

I know i've heard it before, but
it meant something entirely new to hear it come out of his mouth. 

I will come home with much,much more than i could have ever imagined.
I will come home with a smile on my face....

Vilnius

Vilnius, Lithuania

sounds like a scary place of your just looking at the name.

maybe because it reminds me of villain.

                                          

It was a great city. Alot of reds and browns.

Venturing outside of the old town was even nice.

                                            

Spray painted doors in an alley.

Hidden away from heavy foot traffic, we found this message a bit off the map.

Our trip had just begun and already my shoulder was hurting from my bacpack.

Lisa was a good pal and opted to carry it for a little ways.

                                                    

The Hill of Three Crosses.

Lisa and I climbed an enormous set of eroded, muddy steps to get to the top of this hill.

Offering a bit of history and a great view, i'd say the hike was well worth it.

We went to daily mass inside this gorgeous church. I dare say it was the most beautiful church i have ever attended mass.

The service was not in English, which, surprisingly, made us listen even more intently.

Its amazing, this faith.

Everywhere around this world, mass is held. Sure it might be in a different language and setting, but it doesnt matter.

It doesn't matter where your from or what language you speak, going to mass is like having a piece of home with you wherever your journey takes you.

The church, the songs, communion...its all the same.

No matter where you go.

Riga Riga Riga

Riga, Latvia

The start of our journey

The view from St.John's steeple.

For a small price, we rode an elevator to the top. We shared the small round balcony with a Slovakian tour group
they were funny!
 -asking us where we were from and the such.

Our picture at the top. sooooo windy and cold!!

Lisa from Kansas on the left and Katarina from Chile on the right.

Alot of stray cats in this city.

Surprisingly enough, they all were pretty healthy looking

Beautiful sunshine, a nice change of pace from rainy and cold Finland.

On the bus to the next stop.

Vilnius, Lithuania.

We are making notes in our journals. Just short little tabbed notes, small reminders of our day so that we can write about it later.






Next Stop- Vilnius Lithuania

20 or 30 moneys

We made it to Gdańsk, Poland. A group of 14 students.

i love making these trips with other students. 
Adriano is our fathful planner. 
He plans everything..from the flight to the hostel, even the sights to be seen. Our tour guide.

Actually, there were only 3 guys on this trip. 
Poor boys, they were surrounded by girls from three different countries. 
They came in handy though, reading the map and taking charge...

We took the tram everywhere. For only 1,30 moneys ( less than one euro) was how much a one-way cost. 

Alberto explained to me his system for if a country had a currency other than the euro. 

He would just call it money.

me: "how much does the museum cost Alberto?"

Alberto: "only 10 moneys, more or less."

(the italian accent makes the statement) :)

Lunch:

Cassie and i saw it necessary to show off our meals! On the menu, next to the description, the restaurant saw it fit to add the amount of food...in grams! 

Needless to say, us american girls were laughed at because we had no idea what 600g of food meant. We know now...just look at our plates! good thing Poland is so cheap because in Finland, this portion of food would have been very expensive( a minor setback of living in the high quality of life of a Scandinavian country)

Never has there been a trip with so many american in one place!

 I'm usually the only one among other nationalities.

The two California girls on the left, then Kansas, me, yet another California girl and finally New Jersey.

This was our last day in Poland, just about to get onto the bus to the airport.

On our Way

9cities, 7 countries, 10 days.


Lisa from Kansas came over last night. We finally planned our european takeover! This is the third attempt of working out the details of our excursion. It just never seemed to work out before, mainly frustration from plane and train schedules. But now we have it! Her and I, Starting November 14th, will conquer 7countries and 9 cities in 10 days! 


Starting in Riga, Latvia (basically as a flight hub) we will spend one day in this small old town. Then its off to Frankfurt, Germany for the day then train down to Heidelberg to see Dom and Vanessa. 

I was afraid that after everything thats happened between vincent and i, that i would never have been able to meet this Vanessa that i've heard so much about..guess i was wrong!

Leaving the next morning for Paris, France. 


Paris, France. {sigh}

I will bend the contract of 'no sweets' and happily take in anything this country of pastries has to offer. Its almost a cirme to go to France and not indulge in the cafes and patisseries. Needless to say, i'm looking forward to it! :)  
Spending only but two days in most cities, we've given the most time to Paris, spending three days there.
After Paris, we will train to Brussels, Belgium and experience the heaven of a Belgian waffle. A day and a half spent in Brussels, we will then train to the Netherlands!


I will finally get to meet family that i would never have been able to otherwise. Family that i've only seen pictures of and heard stories of. Aunts, uncles and cousins from my dad's side, my grandfathers family. 
This was my reason for studying abroad! 
Visiting the small town of North Brabant Uden, Netherlands.
Seeing the neighborhood my grandfather once walked in 
Finding the church he went to as a child and teenager, Sint Petrus..Saint Peter


again {sigh}


After the Holland, we will somehow make it up to Copenhagen, Denmark.This is one detail we haven't worked out yet. either fly or train..train or fly..who knows yet! I think we will find the answer later. Were handing the burden off to future heather and future lisa to worry about.


After copenhagen, then we will again, somehow make it to Stockholm. We will spend a couple days, then catch a ferry back to Turku, Finland...

9 cities, 7 countries, 10 days...boy were gonna be tired! 

But depriving our bodies from the luxury of sleep to see these beautiful cities is well worth it. We think its possible because as Lisa puts it, were both "speed walkers." Both our natural paces are quite fast. I've never met anyone that could keep up with my fast feet, i'm always the one to slow down to another's level. Lisa does surprisingly well considering her short height. 

 I remember my sister complaining once in the mall of how fast i was walking, shes my exception for slowing down :) "shopping is supposed to be slow and relaxing," she'd say.."pick up the pace," i'd then tell her. haha. poor girl.

This trip is a bit of a grand finale because when we return to finland, we will only have a month left.

 Lets not think about it now..leave this thought for future heather. 

Next week, a group of us are heading to Gdansk,Poland for three days. We hear from our native polish kids that there's cheap food and shopping! 

Gray Stockholm

Lovely. That's all. Lovely

Dont tempt me. That might have been the one bad thing about Stockholm, too much temptation! Chocolate shops and cafes on every corner! Did I mention, that in fear of buying new pants while abroad, I have given up sweets. At first the goal was for a week, but i think we might have to extend the time frame...for how long? I don't know, however long it takes for me to stop craving the sweet temptation of depressive desserts. Its a sad truth, I know...

 Look at this church! I mean really! if you didn't know that fall was here, well heres proof my friend. Every shade of fall on one place.

Stockholm...{the first morning}

Friday.

We intended to start our day at 6:15am on the ferry, Andrezas alarm goes off and we get ready. Moving about the small cabin, the four of us quietly and slowly get dressed. With four bunk bed style beds jammed into this tiny tiny room smaller than my once loved for its size dorm room, there was only so much you get done without someone running into the bathroom to free up space. 

I sit on my bed to check the days program and i realize one small, overlooked detail. My program describes a different meeting time then the other girls, different than we had originally thought. We thought 6:45, but my program says its 6:20! So we double check our bags, wrap our scarfs around our heads and head out the door. 

Our room was on the second floor of this massive ship and our meeting point is (assumed) to be in front of the information desk, on the 7th floor...we take the stairs.

A few flights of steps later, we make it to the info desk and by this time its 6:35 and to our surprise, no one is there! Not one ESN student! I quickly run to the woman behind the counter and promptly ask her is she has seen a large group of students, "No," she replied. 

So, naturally, we begin to assume that our previous assumptive meeting place is not where we had assumed it to be. So we think of alternatives. " Maybe down by the main door!" cassie suggests. Oh of course! that makes sense..right?? well, really, at this point what do we have to lose.so.. 

We ran back down two stories to stand by the door. Again, we see no one.  Not s single person, not even a cleaning lady, its completely deserted! Soon after, i realize the technical difficulty we have placed ourselves in .... time change! Being in St.Petersburg the weekend before, I knew to add an hour to finnish time, well, now time has changed back an hour to swedish time.

We again confide in our trusted Swedish information attendee and she lets us know that indeed we are correct and the hour has changed. Not only did we rush around because we thought we were late, much later than the persistently late French students, mind you, but now we realize that we have woken up one hour earlier than necessary. 

We immediately go for coffee....

Findings in St.Petersburg

October 8-11 was dedicated to the city of St.Petersburg! we leave our little apartments in Turku at 5am and 

We arrive in front of our hotel at 5pm! Everyone was so tired from the bus ride, just standing quietly outside the door to the hotel, waiting to sleep. But no time for that now, because in 30 minutes, we were leaving for our first scheduled event!!

Swan Lake. My first live ballet! It was marvelous. Sitting in the decorated theatre took me back in time. Listening to the orchestra relaxed my mind and wiped away any feeling of boredom form the ten hour bus ride. Watching the graceful Russian ballerinas reminded me how fragile and delicate people are on the inside, despite their hard exteriors. 

But it had to end, sadly, I could have sat in that theatre for hours, watching and listening. So, our group of about 8 or so people make a plan for dinner..Care to take a guess???

.

sushi! In Russia!?! little sushi restaurants on almost every corner! Everyone enjoyed it. The staff knew very very little English, but it was okay because with an English menu, we kindly pointed to our choices and that was that!

The next day, we got the chance to walk on the top of this church! All the way around to see different points of the city! it was very cold and very windy, but a great photo opportunity.

A couple views from the top of the church, it was fantastic.

Then lunch, in a tiny restaurant with a business lunch special. Salad, Soup and a main course for a good price i thought! :) More interesting, was who i had lunch with! Usually, meals are shared among many different nationalities, but this lunch was made up of one little American (me) and ten Germans!! that was it! i didn't realize it until we were all sitting down at the table and i said " your all from Germany aren't you?" Everyone started laughing and told me "Yes!' They tried to speak English the whole time, but with the size of the table and the amount of one nationality, little German conversations broke out. But, no worries to me, i had fun with it and started to make up stories about what they were talking about!! haha, it was good fun! :)

After lunch, I left the german students to walk 10 minutes to the center of the city to meet two french kids! We walked around the city trying to find a famous cafe that the Russian poet, Alexander Pushkin, had his normal day coffees in. We were not successful. But, we found a shopping center and I found the catholic church...

The inside of the church was painted in pastel colors of green and pink, like a babies room or easter eggs!

I asked them if we could cross the street so i could go inside the church, Benoit, from France, asked me shortly after, "Are you a believer?" I just had to laugh at him and the way he worded it! I've never heard it put that way before. I told him yes, and i told him, " I think you mean to ask,'are you religious?'"

About an hour later, we all met in the hotel lobby and for those students who signed up for it, went on a boat tour of the city! One little put-put boat, bottles of champagne,blankets and chocolate bars started our journey off around the rivers of St.Petersburg. It's a beautiful city by night, unfortunately no pictures. My batteries died at this point in the weekend. ( and then mysteriously started working again the next day,,stange!) 

 .

.

More to come later :)

Helsinki

we spent the one day in Helsinki, the capital of Finland. One day, just enough time to walk and eat and see everything.

The architecture is what this city was about. Not much else here really. A nice harbor, but other than that. Buildings. Different colors and textures, still buildings.

 The main attraction. The huge white lutheran church sitting atop a billion steps! The dome was being reconstructed, but you can still tell it's magnitude. We walked all around it, each side offering a different view of the city.

 The contemporary art museum. we got in for free! Not because we are thieves, but thanks to the poor outline of the building, we managed to sneak into coat check and away from the registers. We really tried to find the desk to pay! honestly! we never found it! Only later when we were walking out, did we notice the info desk...doubling as a pay center. who knew??

 The Old Market Hall. Two aisles of delis, bakeries, and other little goods shops all built inside and around this old train station. You can tell by the high middled roof that at one time, a train passed through here. just one train...now an inside market square.

  The Sibelius Monument. I don't know who Sibelius is, but apparently he deserved this monument. Hundreds of hollowed out steel tubes, all placed at different levels to create this silver glacialesque structure.

Taken from underneath the monument. It also had this wind chime effect to it. Each tube offered a different sound.




Helsinki, not a whole to see, but, if you look hard enough, you can see the details that make this city beautiful. you'll notice the fine points that make this city the most visited in all of Finland ( and not just because its the capital either) :)

Thinking, thanks Canon

ugh, i'm thinking too much about changing my mind

changing completely or adding onto

....

i'm not sure yet

all i know is

that i loved taking that photo above

and

i loved changing it, 

making it look and feel different

yet still the same as the original....

thank you my little canon powershot for making

my mind argue with itself....

for what feels like the hundredth time!

Maybe i should just do it already

good grief

make your choice stranger; strike the bell

and bide the danger, or wonder; till 

it drives you mad, what would

have followed if you hadn't

C.S Lewis

{ i know now }

The very worst part
the minute you think your past it
it starts all over again.
you cant control it
The best we can do is to let ourselves
feel it
when it comes
and let it go when we can
and
always
everytime
it takes your breath away....


That is why an encounter with Christ leaves us so joyful, happy, hopeful. Last night, after talking to a friend back home about everything, he gave me a piece of scripture to read. Normally, when i read something from the bible it takes longer than the moment its read for it to sink in and mean something in my life. It doesnt work instantly for me, it works its way in and surprises me with hidden meaning.


It was psalm 143:8


At dawn let me hear of you kindness,
for in you I trust.
Show me the path i should walk,
for in you i hope.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.


but this time was different.
After reading this
i let myself cry
i let myself take in the truth
i let myself see things as they are and know that everything will be alright
with prayer and with time.


we are broken and it is only He who can show us reality, show us how to become more and more the people we were created to be. i took the advice of a strong women and i prayed. i prayed while reading her given scripture in proverbs...


Theres a bigger plan out there for me. Its scary for me to say that, not scary, but real.
and i never thought i would become this person. 
a person who whole heartedly believes that God has a plan.
a plan for you 
a plan for me
a plan for every single person on this earth
Like the childhhood/TEC song, " he's got the whole world in his hands"
:)
He really does. Now i know. 
It took planning, a plane ride, three letters and a broken heart for me to clearly see what i have been searching for since the first day of r.c.i.a. I've been searching for Him. To see Him and His love for me!

I can see it and i'm so happy that's Hes worked my life to this point.


I've become so grateful for the people he has placed in my life.


My friends who see my pain
 dont pat me on the back and tell me "it'll be alright"
they pass along the word of God 
because they know that i'll find more comfort with those words than i will with a pat on the back. 


I will continue to pray
I will continue to love
Thats how you stay alive

Another Day

This past weekend, my group and I spent our time in Talinn, Estonia. Leaving very early saturday morning to catch the 5am bus to Helsinki. I'm not very impressed with Helsinki. It very much reminded me of pittsburgh in a way. We walked around trying to find the harbor to make the ferry, but with our lack of swedish and map reading skills, we ended up taking a bus. Twenty minutes later we arrive at the north harbor. Lined with huge ship carriers and seagulls, the harbor has the atmosphere of an airport. Check-in, ticket scanning, gate finding, waiting. We hurriedly rush inside to escape the wind.

    The three hour ferry from Helsinki to Talinn was quite enjoyable. We mostly slept the whole way because with the slightest bit of motion sickness, sleeping is really your only chance to avoid, well, getting sick!!

Estonia. Beautiful old city. Never destroyed by fire or war, like most european cities. Cobble stones and red tin roofs, its what every american thinks european cities looks like! Coming back to Finland was hard, only because the beauty i found in Tailinn cannot be compared to anything else. I met a few new people as well. Three french girls and on dutch, two brazilian guys and one german. I love these people! I love the questions they ask and the answers they give.

We walk everywhere. Up and down hills, stairs and alleys to reach the highest point of the city so that we can gaze out at the most spectacular view, then, back down the stairs and through the alleys to find yellow and pink buildings with churches on every corner waiting for us. I wake up early sunday morning and sit on the window sill of our hostel. A huge window overlooking the entire town; a city full of color, looming between the sunshine and the morning fog. I crack the window open, just enough to smell and hear the city. At 9:00am all the bells of the churches ring at the exact same moment. Each one playing in a different pitch and depth, seemingly in harmony with one another. I close my eyes and listen.

Its wonderful.